Thank you to all the people who support others in a million different ways. For reassuring and holding hope for what’s possible. For keeping people alive. For trying to understand and saying it’s going to be alright. And for doing this work when you feel you have nothing more to give. That your wellbeing is suffering and you feel you cannot go on.
I’ve have felt this way for the past few months. It’s taken me a while to put my finger on what was going on. The best way I can describe it is I haven’t felt or been able to access joy. I’m flat. Not that I find accessing joy easy at the best of times, but I am flat as a tack. Totally spent. An exhaustion, or a heavy fatigue for the things I usually have energy and passion for has set in and I cannot muster any enthusiasm to have a strong opinion or to think deeply or to support others.
And I have been thinking, what is this all about? Am I clinically depressed? Have I reached the end of my capacity as a carer? Do I have burnout?
The ebb and flow of life
Then I came across a podcast conversation between Brene Brown and Karen Walrond on the energy for activism work and it reconnected with me in my supporter role because I feel like I’ve been fighting for so long, fighting for services, fighting to be heard.
Brene was describing how I was feeling, this inability to access joy on any level. Brene says, “I’m not falling apart, but I’m perpetually not okay. And every time I seem to get the earth under my feet a little bit, it starts moving again, which means there’s a problem, I’m trying to control the earth under my feet.”
Karen posed this idea of the ebb and flow of all things, the tide goes in and goes out again, the moon waxes and wanes, sometimes we work hard and sometimes we sit back and breathe. I was familiar with the concept of wintering so the idea of the natural rhythm of all life really resonated with me. So I was in the ebb, not the flow! It all made sense!
When she notices she is in an ebb phase, Karen asks herself grounding questions to help her to let go but still feel purposeful. Karen says, “How can I feel connected, how can I feel healthy and how can I feel purposeful today?”
“Ask yourself that every day for a week – 10 days. For me, I journal it. But the point is really just to stop and check how am I doing. Is this the part of the rhythm where I go hard, and I help, and I do stuff? Or is this the part of the rhythm where I need to stop and gather the energy again and just inhale? When we work out, we inhale and then we put all the effort in when we exhale. But at some point we’ve got to inhale in order to be able to do that again. It’s that back and forth, that flow.”
Finding joy through acceptance
What are the tiny things I can do even though I’m taking a step back and realising I am in the ebb, like watching things the rhythm of the trees moving in the breeze? Like cutting myself some slack? How can I turn down the effort even when the demands on me don’t change? Trying to move against the natural rhythm of the earth is impossible, just as it is to maintain my wellbeing when I can’t.
Sometime later, I felt joy for the first time in months, and it came out of nowhere. I felt reinvigorated, my mind and body and spirit filling with energy and laughter and light. The tide had changed. I was so relieved. It reminded me that I need to feel joy, that I cannot function without it and I shouldn’t feel guilty when others around me don’t feel the same.
Accepting life’s ups and downs has helped me prepare for them
As I mature in age and in my experience as a supporter, I have come to realise my energy is finite and looking after myself is going to look different at different times. Self-care can be a catch phrase but without understanding the idea of ebb and flow, I was practicing self-care in a vacuum and wondering why I didn’t feel sustained. When I am in the ebb; I need to rest to get ready for the flow. Self-compassion comes then I realise I am in the ebb and my capacity is different.
The ebb is a specific time in my supporting role to rest, regenerate, reflect and replenish. Just having words to describe what was happening made me feel so much better. I realised that I am not broken, this is a natural part of the process of healing.
Accessing joy reminds me that life is beautiful even when times are difficult. And it is perfectly natural not to feel joy at times, especially through periods of heightened stress. I’m not quite in the flow just yet but I’m convinced it’s coming. It’s only natural. Self-care for me is noticing the rhythm. Connecting with other people who know what it’s like to support someone with mental health needs is life sustaining. They remind me that I have needs too. And help me to feel joy.
Carers need support to do the unpaid work they do because it can be hard. Anyone, at any time, can become a carer. This Carers Week we encourage you to reach out for support; you don’t have to do this alone. There are many people just like you providing support for a family member or friend.